The girls poured glitter on the classroom floor...

 Bullying is a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker, younger or in any way more vulnerable than the bully. The deliberate targeting of those of lesser powerful or different is what distinguishes bullying from aggression. Bullying can involve verbal attacks; name-calling and making fun of others, as well as physical ones; threats of harm, other forms of intimidation, and deliberate exclusion from activities. Bullying isn't generational, it happens in all peer groups. Its use increases around ages 11 to 16. Overt physical aggression such as kicking, hitting, and shoving is most common among younger children (5-9yrs) in relation to aggression. Damaging or manipulating the relationships of others, such as spreading rumors, and social exclusion is more common in teen years.

Bullying carries the implicit message that aggression and violence are acceptable solutions to resolving problems, when they are not. Bullying is also not an acceptable outlet to voice any jealousy or envy which you have for others. Bullying not only harms its victims, it harms the perpetrators themselves. Most bullies have a downwardly spiraling course through life, as their aggressive behavior interferes with learning, holding a job, and establishing and maintaining intimate relationships. People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want, at least in the short term; because these individuals lack the social skills to do so without harming others. Bullying also is a way of establishing social dominance in a form of attention, which becomes an increasingly dysfunctional way of gaining what you lack.

I wanted to share my story wider, so that you all can understand what it was like for me. I also want to help, support and offer advice where possible. Maybe my story will inspires others who are struggling with self awareness linked to historical memories or people who have been affected by similar situations & are still fighting their battle inside. I know first hand what it’s like to feel that way, Being bullied is an experience which I now look back on & accept that it was part of my journey. At the time I hated life & struggled to deal with the horrible emotional turmoil; It caused many mental and emotional problems for me that I didn't recognise until I was an adult. I had what I now know recognise as depression & anxiety; I had suicidal thoughts and I gained some bad eating habits which resulting in huge weight gain in my teens. Bullying HARMS your character, your mind and your own personal outlook on the future. Have you ever heard "being bullied builds your character, just ignore it" This is bullshit. For a long time I never thought I was good enough for anything in this life because of the verbal scars that had been created by the bullies. I didn't think I was even worthy of friendships, a good career, loving relationships, connections with family, to go to university, have money or find happiness. After spending time unpicking my emotional triggers & really understanding me to the core, I now know that's not true, but it took a lot of time! One of the hardest parts of that journey was understanding how I felt & why I did. I tried not to allow those historical experiences to affect important stages of life growth for the future. I felt like I had to embark on a tick box exercise in life to test If I was actually able to gain those wants in life. I know I have taken some of those emotional triggers forward into my life now but I know how to control them but they have unfortunately affected my ability to hold some relationships or participate in social interactions as an adult (the hermit lives on) I am so proud of myself for overcoming such experiences. It takes strength & courage and I know I am worth so much more.

                  

“I never hurt them or insult them so why do they seem to hate me?”

This was one of the many questions I've asked myself so many times through the years of bullying. I went to an all girls school, there was a specific handful of girls who fought with me mentally & at times physically; it was mean and it seemed to me that the verbal insults were just the start. I never knew why they hated me. I still don't. Every chance they got to frame me, verbally abuse, point out faults or differences and get me into trouble or make fun of me; they took it! To the point where all my other classmates were too scared to look at me, let alone talk to me because they were all worried they would get the same treatment if they did. Yes they were that powerful! It was isolating. They all believed the bullies lies and pretense; all except my 2 best friends. They made me feel miserable & insecure. I was intimidated. I tried to ignore it but it was so repetitive, it was impossible. I relived the same thing everyday. I knew I was different, I didn't need that pointing out. I wasn't a clone of them so I stood out like a sore thumb; I was fat, had freckles, with ginger hair, I was a huge geek & I just wasn't cool... did that really mean I deserved the hatred?

Despite being the most desired beauty must have of 2020, my freckles were a huge target back then. They classed me as having a disease; telling others they would catch it if they were around me. This happened everyday; "oh your still diseased then". I started to think that if I changed something about me, maybe they would stop & choose someone else to pick on (Not that I wanted anyone to feel the way I did) I got home from school one day & decided I needed to try and get rid of the freckles. I'd had enough. They had made me hate my freckles. Freckles made me different. At the ages of 13, I got thick bleach from my mums cleaning cupboard and added it to my bath. I needed to get rid of the freckles, but it didn't change a thing. So I resulted to trying to grate them off with a cheese grater from mum's kitchen. Yes it got rid of a patch but I bled so much that I couldn't face doing my whole body. Nothing worked.

For years I cried most days after school; detouring via the sweet shop to make myself feel better. I didn't cry because they hated me, but because they wouldn’t let me be. I was tired and frustrated. I just wanted to be me. I was trying to concentrate on schooling and at the same time, trying to protect myself from the verbal attacks... it was hard work for a young teen. For years I hid what was happening from my parents. I became a hermit; locking myself in my bedroom with limited social interactions. I would even take dinners back to my room. My room was mine, I was safe in there. My confidence had been stolen & I had lost my identity. I was confused about who I was. My mum hated it when I cried. Every time I did, she would call the school or visit the head teacher. It wasn't her fault but that just made it all so much worse; everyone then called me a snitch and bullied me for that.

There was a day when one of the girls poured glitter on the classroom floor and blamed it on me, (even though I didn't have one sparkle of glitter on me) and the teacher believed them & asked me to sweep it up. This panicked me; How was I ever going to get through this if the teachers even believed them? But that glitter incident was tame... One day, it all went too far. We were in a Science class playing with sweets in test tubes over bunsen burners. I was grouped with 2 good friends and I was actually enjoying the lesson. For sometime, a couple of the bullies' were sat on the bench behind me in this class; the unfortunate pattern of alphabetical names. I remember we were coming to the end of the class and I was clicking my pen (I used to do this a lot as a distraction) but it fell on the floor. I looked behind me and realised that it was right in from of them. They were grinning like Cheshire cats... What were they going to say this time?! I definitely couldn't of predicted what was to come next. I got off my stall; they were very high old wooden stalls, which had seen better days. I moved behind me, one of them smiling as I moved towards them. I slowly bent down to pick up the pen; making sure I didn't hit my head on the bench. I heard whispering; I couldn't hear anything clearly. I remember coming up from the floor, facing them head on. It was all in slow motion but as I turned around to face the direction of my seat, I heard the gas connection turn on... I should of known... Someone was laughing... I felt heat very quickly. As I turned towards my seat, they had flicked the bunsen burner on & set the ends of my hair alight... Someone screamed "Miss, her hair is on fire". Now, for anyone who had burnt their hair on straighteners, you will know the smell is horrific. My hair ends were frazzled & slightly black. I went home that night & I cut my own hair to hide the burnt ends. I had to blame it on 'wanting a change' when questioned by my parents; I couldn't have mum going up to the school again.

I started to instantly reflect; How could someone be mean enough to think of doing that? What had I ever done to these people to warrant that in retaliation? That is still to this day is something I will never understand. I was so angry, but I just cried. After that moment, I knew they had realised they had crossed the line. Their faces said everything. Also, other people were now starting to see them for their true colours too. After that day, they left me alone for a bit; not even mentioning the change in hair style. Did they feel bad? Did they regret it? What is going to come next? I will never know but for once I felt ok to just continue as me without feeling the burn of their barely veiled insults. They were silenced but I was still scared.

As I have mentioned, those feelings & emotions of not being good enough & different, have stayed with me. I have been tarnished. My confidence was lost. My self esteem deflated due to these experiences; I allowed them to consume me- but they did this! Every time I think about how miserable I was then, I also think about what it made me realise... It's made me stronger as an adult, it made me feel more confident about myself as an individual & my quirks. I am happy as me. I have worked on accepting myself for who I am. I feel sorry for the bullies; yes all of you! The only reason you bullied me is because you had no confidence in yourselves and weren't getting the attention you needed from your own friends & family etc; bullying me probably helped you all feel on top of the world, when it made me feel like being dead.

                                       

I truly believe that everyone needs to re-educate themselves in relation to forms of bullying. Bullying is not just when you physically fight someone; verbal abuse is bullying. Adults bully; Social media is a major catalyst for bullying with no strings attached. I have always thought social media was a terrible open platform for vulnerable individuals to be targeted; look at what it has done to this world recently with the increase in celebrity suicides. Speaking from personal experience, as someone who was bullied as a child & has been trolled as an adult; If you are an adult who has written abuse, verbally abuse, cyber bullied or have trolled another person through social media, for no reason other than your own judgement or for self gratification - You should be ashamed of yourself! 

Ask yourself this - why did you do it? What had that person done to you? I would self reflect on your own life position - Have you ever thought about how the person you are taunting felt? How would you feel? What are you lacking & trying to compensate for? Does it make you feel better tarnishing someone's self esteem? As adults we have the grown skills of compassion and respect to enable us to accept others for who they are and we know right from wrong. There is no justified reason that any adult should bully another adult. That is the same for in schools; they don’t talk about verbal bullying to children because the education authorities accept that it is either seen as “a joke” or its ‘being honest’. How can words so hurtful be seen as a joke? No child should bully another child. Verbal bullying is just as bad as or even worse than physical bullying due to the mental scars it leaves behind; everyone should know that. In fact, most anorexia cases are caused by someone continuously telling them ”you’re fat”. My definition of bullying is when you hurt someone, physically or emotionally, on purpose. So please the next time you want to say something that offends another person, ask yourself "do I really need to say this" or "would I like it if someone said that to me?" Or more importantly for our new generation; How would you feel if it was being said to your child?

I am grateful to the bullies, they have made me stronger. I am grateful to the bullies as I now love my freckles & I wouldn't be me without them. I am me, I am enough!

This week is anti-bullying week, please support your local campaigners & ambassadors! #bekind

xx